Dominance and control…. these are two predominant features of an emotionally abusive relationship, and may manifest in a multitude of ways. These behaviours typically result in the victim losing their sense of self and their capacity for decision-making , whilst constantly questioning their own role in the development of their partner’s sense of insecurity.
Has your partner/abuser ever become overtly jealous and accusatory at even the most innocuous forms of attention or interaction ?
Well mine certainly did !!
This left me in a constant state of confusion, with a recurring cycle of internal criticism and wonder about what ‘I’ may have done to cause him/her to feel so threatened.
His regular displays of jealous tantrums and control were caused by the simplest of interactions , leading to persistent accusations varying from being praised too frequently about my cooking , to feeling that mare conversation with members of his family (who were often old enough to be my father) , was an expression or acceptance of their interest… and most importantly was an expression of overt disrespect to him. The list was endless !
I recall questioning his sanity a number of times , mainly due to his unreasonable and unfounded accusations that typically blindsided me. I was once accused of ‘staring’ at a family friend whilst our family prayed together ! He was absolutely livid … and there was no convincing him that this just simply had not occurred. I was praying ! (usually ones eyes are closed for these things!)
He also had a fixed belief that every thing I did was an open invitation for other’s expression of interest. For instance , simply brushing my hands through my hair (usually in the most unappealing manner !) , during a group conversation , was being flirtatious with his older relatives !
Things even progressed as far as him predicting that the reason for a friend (who I rarely spoke with , nor had the telephone number for) , ‘sounded strange on the phone’ and this could suggest that there was something going on between he and I. It was just exhausting !!
It was a never ending battle between being myself and managing his insecurities and controlling behaviour. Soon , avoiding speaking with or making eye contact with others became easier than defending my character constantly and needlessly.
As a means of control and domination , the abusive partner discourages the idea of sharing your time with others , even in the most innocuous of settings , and as such , will do whatever it takes to ensure that the victim never ‘crosses that line again’, with constant accusations , threats or jealous tantrums.
Dominance. Control. These things the unjust seek most of all. And so it its the duty of the JUST to defy dominance and to challenge control. Robert Fanney.