My story ….. It’s a difficult one to tell …. I’m still living through it and haven’t turned the page of this chapter in my life just yet.
Due to the length of this story , I will give a summary of my life over the past 12 years and explore elements of my past further with each new post , as we take the journey in unfolding emotional abuse.
I am currently in the midst of finding healing from the loss of a traumatic 12 year long relationship , which ended abruptly 6 weeks ago when my ex-partner called our upcoming wedding off after a 4 year long engagement.
I can hear the words he said to me clearly in my head …. ‘ You are not mature enough to be my wife nor to have my children , and one of us needs to be the mature one to say this’
‘ You are not mature enough to be my wife nor to have my children , and one of us needs to be the mature one to say this’
I remember the feeling of dark clouds settling in my mind as he sneered at me. I asked, with my heart pounding at around 150 beats a minute ….. ‘ What does that mean ?… Is the wedding off ?’ He confidently replied ‘ YES’.
My world fell apart ….. ‘Did I upset him today?’ , ‘Did I say the wrong thing?’ , ‘What have I done wrong now ?’ These questions ran on repeat in a never ending loop in my mind over the past 12 years…. I could never figure it out.
‘Did I upset him today?’ , ‘Did I say the wrong thing?’ , ‘What have I done wrong now ?’
This was our destination wedding , planned for over 4 years . All my family , both in my home country and abroad had spent thousands to attend ….. his family had yet to purchase flights nor book their hotels.
I had spent thousands for every element of the wedding …. wedding dresses , reception décor , venue reservation , flights , honeymoon … and more. He barely contributed triple figures….. How could I not have known…
How could I not have known…
So…. I know what you are thinking …. ‘What did you do to cause this ?’ , ‘He must have had cold feet?’ , ‘Did you pressure him into this?’
He cancelled our engagement , because ‘I needed to adjust my attitude’, and that I hadn’t supported him the way he wanted me to after the death of a close relative…. I even got accused of ‘not hugging him in a considerate way ‘…. whatever that means.
I offered counselling …. anything to find out ‘What was wrong with me?’. He responded by telling his family ‘The wedding has been cancelled due to her behaviour’…. yet he told my family that I had been the one to cancel our wedding. I didn’t know he had done that … my guests remained none the wiser .
I distinctly remember my heart fading to black when he confirmed what he had told our families. I made him aware that I had not yet informed my guests of the cancellation of our engagement and wedding …. He retorted sternly ‘ You thought I was joking’ .
‘ You thought I was joking’
Immediately following this conversation , in a bid to avoid showing any emotion (in fear of his admonition) , I sat on my balcony in absolute awe …. I went to bed alone that night … unknowingly awaiting his fury.
He greeted me with fierce reprimands ..’ You are so selfish , you didn’t even think to hug me , instead you nursed your feelings about the wedding rather than take care of me, you didn’t even think to cover me with a blanket whilst I slept on the sofa’. The beratement continued for several hours , as I sat silently , numb from the verbal lashings I had grown accustomed to for several years.
‘ You are so selfish …’
Fast forward to now , I have left the home I had done everything to purchase (as he was recently facing losing his place of residence) after being told to ‘move out if I didn’t return home by the end of a particular date’. I returned 3 weeks later to my belongings , taken out of my own furniture , and placed in garbage bags …. he had moved me out of the home that owned together…
You see … It took all this for me to reflect on the past 12 years … For 12 years I have been repeatedly invalidated , shouted at , been witness to his frustrations and resulting physical assault of walls and furniture , been told I wasn’t good enough , had false allegations made against me , been cheated on , been made to take a lie detector test (for unfounded accusations) and the most painful of all … loved one day and treated like an enemy the next.
I could do nothing right , and I was always the cause of his dissatisfaction ; he made that abundantly clear as often as he could.
This was the last straw……
…..loved one day and treated like an enemy the next.
As you may imagine …my self-esteem has been pummelled and my mind is filled with self-doubt and guilt. He trained me to think this way.
….. he trained me to think this way.
I have created this blog as a means of an outlet , and as a source of healing , by unravelling the confusion in my mind and to learn to validate MYSELF…. to give myself a voice and to hopefully show others that they are not alone. I am by no means a writer …so I apologise for my inaccuracies , but every word comes from my heart , and I hope you are able to see me , as I learn to SEE MYSELF.